I’m not good at it. I know I shouldn’t complain because really things could be a lot worse. Zeke is healthy, and I am grateful for the care he has been getting here. But I just want to take him home! I can’t tell you how frustrating it is to see all the other babies come and go while he has to stay. The only thing we are waiting on (and the only thing we have been waiting on since the first couple of days) is for Zeke to gain some weight. That’s it. He has never been on a ventilator, was only on IV fluids for a couple of days, has been taking all of his food by mouth for over a week and doing very well nursing (when they let me). He just small and hasn’t gained as much weight as the doctors think he should to regulate his body temperature. So we wait.

I wait. And pump (one of these days I’m going to go through the log I have been keeping and add up just how much milk I have pumped. It’s crazy…) and every three hours, at 6, 9, 12, and 3, I’m allowed to go feed and hold my baby for a few minutes before I head back to my room and wait some more. Twice a day I’m allowed to nurse him, at 9 and 9, and somewhere in between all that waiting, I make the drive back home to squeeze in a couple of hours here or there with my other two boys. And of course, to catch up on laundry, cleaning, groceries, etc… I hate that I have to ask permission to do anything with my baby, that other people are taking care of all the little things that I should be taking care of… I hate that the few hours a day I can spend at home with Stephen and Miles are rushed and filled with “catching up” … I hate that Miles has only been able to view his little brother from behind a window, and that I’m not able to show off my beautiful little boy to friends and family… and I really hate that stupid pump!!! (but I am determined that my baby will get only breastmilk, so pump I must) I just want to go home 😦

Okay, that’s enough feeling sorry for myself for now. Back to the waiting…. is it 9 yet???

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