I wish I was, but I’m not. To be honest, I have surprised myself that, for the most part, I have been as calm and at peace through the last couple months of this pregnancy as I have been. But then, it is a lot easier to feel at peace when I know Zeke is nestled safely in my womb. What is a lot harder to deal with are all the “wait-and-sees” that we will not know until he is born. As the day of his birth draws ever nearer, those anxious feelings are trying their best to creep back into my mind… One of my biggest fears? I really, really, really don’t want a c-section. Terrified of the thought, really. But I know that some of the potential complications put me at a greater risk for one. How much greater??? Well, that’s another one of the wait and sees… We are hoping and praying that Zeke’s ventriculomegaly doesn’t progress to the point that a natural, vaginal birth would be unsafe for him (one more ultrasound @37 weeks to make sure), but it’s a fine line… Some doctors aparently want to do a c-section automatically if ventriculomegaly is involved. Thankfully, my doctor doesn’t. There is also the concern that Zeke could have a heart or other midline defect that hasn’t been visible by ultrasound that could cause him to have complications, but again, it’s wait and see. (just to clarify: so far there is NO indication of such a problem, it’s just that babies with ACC are somewhat more likely to have them). Then, and this may seem silly in light of everything else, I also have a fear that Zeke will have trouble with establishing breastfeeding, especially if complications mean that we don’t get to spend those precious momemts immediately following birth together. Call me closed-minded if you will, and I know it’s not PC to say so, but feeding my baby formula is not best for him and it is absolutely, 100% NOT an option!
How much of this is nomal, pre-birth anxiety? How much is legitimate concern? How much is hormones and the fact that I am awake at 3 AM???
Sigh… I just want you here safely in arms; happy, healthy, peacefully sleeping or nursing… I just want a normal, natural, drug and intervention-free delivery with no complications or worries or concerns so I can focus on you…. I want you home, surrounded by those who love you, cuddled, kissed, and hugged…. I want the hospital and all the medical tests and screenings and procedures behind us so we can get on with being a family. That’s what I want.
Axiously but excitedly awaiting the day (not too far away now!) when I see your face for the first time! I love you, Zeke!