I’m not always strong…

I wish I was, but I’m not. To be honest, I have surprised myself that, for the most part, I have been as calm and at peace through the last couple months of this pregnancy as I have been. But then, it is a lot easier to feel at peace when I know Zeke is nestled safely in my womb. What is a lot harder to deal with are all the “wait-and-sees” that we will not know until he is born. As the day of his birth draws ever nearer, those anxious feelings are trying their best to creep back into my mind… One of my biggest fears? I really, really, really don’t want a c-section. Terrified of the thought, really. But I know that some of the potential complications put me at a greater risk for one. How much greater??? Well, that’s another one of the wait and sees… We are hoping and praying that Zeke’s ventriculomegaly doesn’t progress to the point that a natural, vaginal birth would be unsafe for him (one more ultrasound @37 weeks to make sure), but it’s a fine line… Some doctors aparently want to do a c-section automatically if ventriculomegaly is involved. Thankfully, my doctor doesn’t. There is also the concern that Zeke could have a heart or other midline defect that hasn’t been visible by ultrasound that could cause him to have complications, but again, it’s wait and see. (just to clarify: so far there is NO indication of such a problem, it’s just that babies with ACC are somewhat more likely to have them). Then, and this may seem silly in light of everything else, I also have a fear that Zeke will have trouble with establishing breastfeeding, especially if complications mean that we don’t get to spend those precious momemts immediately following birth together. Call me closed-minded if you will, and I know it’s not PC to say so, but feeding my baby formula is not best for him and it is absolutely, 100% NOT an option!

How much of this is nomal, pre-birth anxiety? How much is legitimate concern? How much is hormones and the fact that I am awake at 3 AM???

Sigh… I just want you here safely in arms; happy, healthy, peacefully sleeping or nursing… I just want a normal, natural, drug and intervention-free delivery with no complications or worries or concerns so I can focus on you…. I want you home, surrounded by those who love you, cuddled, kissed, and hugged…. I want the hospital and all the medical tests and screenings and procedures behind us so we can get on with being a family. That’s what I want.

Axiously but excitedly awaiting the day (not too far away now!) when I see your face for the first time! I love you, Zeke!

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2 thoughts on “I’m not always strong…

  1. I have the same exact scenario as you except my baby is a girl. Everything looks healthy except at the last check she had 16mm of fluid in her ventricles. They are calling it ventriculomagley but really it falls under the category of hydrosyphalus. ALL those fears are exactly what I am feeling. I am thankful to have found your blog because I am not so good with sorting through my thoughts and don’t really verbalize them well…reading this post has helped me figure out exactly what I am thinking and to know that I am not alone! I have had 3 previous, vaginal, healthy, nursing babies…I pray so much for the peace to deal with the fact that this one may not be that way. I will pray for you too! When exactly are you due? I am due Jan.3 (but hopeful she will be early like all the rest were!) God bless you in the days to come!
    Erin

    • Thank you for your comment and for sharing your story. I will keep you and your baby girl in my thoughts. I am due December 6th, but like you, my previous baby came a little early. I’m thinking I may have a Thanksgiving baby!

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